The Following Post Takes Place Between 12am and 1am.

Jack Bauer is back people!!! Sell that last seat to LAX, Jack has some enriched, weapon-grade Uranium to find. Don't worry Kim, the show is called 24, your Dad will be there tomorrow. I know some people are struggling with Bubba Hastings running CTU, but he is not nearly as annoying as some of the past CTU bosses. However, I really, really want Chloe to ask him how many different kinds of shrimp there are.

While Keifer Sutherland has certainly had his issues over the years, I am becoming increasingly more concerned about Jack Ryan than Jack Bauer. What has happened to our beloved Harrison Ford? He is a shadow of his former self. Like the soldiers who are allegedly still roaming the jungles of Vietnam, unaware that the war is over, I think that Harrison Ford is unaware that the filming of Regarding Henry has ended. Someone call the man and tell him, "It's a wrap." I just want to shake him and have Han Solo come out. Paging Dr. Jones. I want the man who covered his eyes long enough to avoid the curse of the Lost Ark. I want the man who is afraid of snakes, but not Darth Vader. I want Chewbaccas friend. At the Golden Globe Awards the other night, they could have wheeled out the cryogenically frozen Han Solo and no one would have noticed the difference. As Americans we cannot stand for this. What's next, Bruce Willis in a dress? We already had to deal with Dirty Harry starring in the Bridges of Madison County. We can only take so much. Playing Han Solo makes you an American hero. But Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Jack Ryan? That is unprecedented heroism. There are responsibilities that come with that much bravado. We need to get him out of this funk. Maybe he needs to date a girl who doesn't disappear when she turns sideways. Somebody get him his whip and his hat, or get him behind the wheel of the Falcon. We need our reluctant, wisecracking hero back.


Cool fact: Tom Selleck could not rearrange his filming schedule for Magnum PI, so Harrison Ford got the role of Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Stay Classy Indianapolis

There is an article on the IndyStar Newspaper by Bob Kravitz that just blows my mind. Is this really what we are going to talk about before an absolutely huge playoff game this weekend? Here is an excerpt from Bob's article:

First things first:

Around here, they're not the Baltimore Ravens, not anymore. They are "The Professional Football Franchise From Baltimore.'' Or "TPFFFB."
I mention this because, in a shocking lack of professional courtesy and maturity, the Ravens' stadium operations folks refuse to introduce the Indianapolis Colts on game day at M&T Stadium as "the Indianapolis Colts," and on the scoreboard, use "Indy" rather than "Colts."
Apparently, there is no statute of limitations when it comes to pandering to your fan base.
And let's not hear how Baltimore was so noble by leaving the Browns' name and history behind when the franchise fled Cleveland. That was done because in a 1996 agreement, the NFL made Baltimore do it -- not out of the goodness of team owner Art Modell's frozen, little heart.

Well first things first, Bob. I see that you don't let facts stand in the way of writing your articles. There was, in fact, a deal between the league and Art Modell allowing him to move the team, yet keep the team name and colors in Cleveland. However, the league didn't have a leg to stand on and openly admitted that they had no case in court to keep the team from moving. So Art could have dictated any agreement that he wanted. He's a Modell, Bob, not an Irsay. He's a civic minded, kind man, who had flaws in his business that ultimately forced him to move. I'm sure that you know from your days working for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Bob, that the city of Cleveland and Mayor White aren't exactly innocent when it comes to the details behind the move.

Secondly, Bob, why is it that the Indianapolis Colts have been to Baltimore several times since 1996, and I have never heard of this "snub." Bob, we do things right in Baltimore and if we were going to hold a grudge, we would call them the Dolts or the Donkeys on the scoreboard, not Indy. What's wrong with "Indy?" We probably put Pitt on the board when we play the Steelers, and I assure you we could come up with better names for them.

Finally, Bob, is this really what people in Indianapolis are interested in this week? You are going to attack Baltimore for taking a football franchise? The irony is thicker than Peyton Manning's accent. Is it because you don't want to write an article about how the Indianapolis Colts are failures in January? Don't feel like writing about how the Colts put on skirts instead of shoulder pads the last two weeks, and laid down against the Jets and the Bills? Don't want to discuss the Colts 0-3 record coming off of a first round bye? Tired of talking about the Colts letting down the whole league, their own players, and their fans by not attempting to go 16-0?

Just to be fair, the rest of the article does discuss the strength of the Ravens, and how the Colts should be concerned this weekend. But lets face it Bob, the article was a cheap shot. If things go as they usually do this January weekend for the Colts, we will be celebrating in Baltimore, and Peyton and company will be hanging theirs heads yet again in Indy. Sorry Bob, I wasn't pandering to my Blog followers, I meant to say hanging their heads yet again in Indianapolis.

Is It Ironic?

Don't you hate when someone uses the @ symbol for whatever they damn well please. It isn't up to you to decide what the @ symbol stands for, it stands for "at". You can't just go back to the Rosetta Stone and decide that you have a whole different version of what Ptolemy was telling the Egyptians. The @ is a modern hieroglyphic leave it alone. You don't want some alien race coming along years after we are gone and saying, "I don't know what these humans were trying to say, there is no consistency to this @ symbol." So for all of you who use the @ for "and" or "about" just stop it. Your actions have consequences. I don't tell people to e-mail me at david"about"verizon.net. Of course the greater question is why do we have such a need to abbreviate a two letter word? Was the T too much for you? Arthritis setting in now? Sorry to bother you all with the T, instead just loop around your A, and from here on out, we'll all know what you meant. Imagine once you use @, how overwhelming the word "the" must seem. The next time you tell someone to meet you @ Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Massachussetts, I bet you will feel rather childish abbreviating the dreaded "at." (look it up by the way, it's real)

So where is the irony in all of this? Well as much as the @ aggravates me, I find it ironic that people constantly misuse the concept of irony. Are you listening Miss Morissette, because I am pretty sure that irony is the same in the USA as it is in Canada, eh. Rain on your wedding day is infuriating, NOT ironic. A free ride when you already paid is wierd, NOT ironic. The good advice that you just didn't take would be fantastic if you knew Bernie Madoff, but NOT ironic. A more appropriate title for the song would be "Isn't It Annoying." Don't you think......yeah, I really do think!! Of course, I am not going to tell Alanis. Have you read the lyrics to "You Oughta Know?" Okay, Alanis you win. Is it ironic that she is kind of cute, yet has more teeth than a T-Rex?

YOU WANT SOME REAL IRONY.......

The Wright Brothers first flight was shorter than the wingspan of a 747.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.





Now sing it with me because having it stuck in your head is, you guessed it IRONIC...

It's like ra-e-ain on your wedding day.
It's a free riiiiiide when you already paid.
It's the good advii-iiice that you just didn't take.
And who would have thought.....it figures.

The Ramifications of Flight 253

Has anyone noticed just how reactionary Homeland Security is when it comes to airport screenings? Richard Reid tried the ole shoe bomb trick, and now we all have to take off our shoes for the TSA. Then in 2006 there was a plot to blow up planes with small amounts of liquid, so now we all leave our water bottles and travel sized mouthwash at the TSA table. Well our latest member of the "Religious Nutjob Club" has taken things to a new level. On Christmas Umar Farouk Abdulmatallab boarded Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit with a bomb strapped to his CROTCH. That's right people, the Frank and Beans have a new neighbor, and it comes with a warning label. BING: Umar Farouk, you are now free to attempt to walk very gingerly throughout the cabin.

It's a whole new ballgame now travelers. Homeland Security is no longer just interested in your shoes. I'm opening a Victoria's Secret in the airport, because you ladies don't want the TSA agent to know that your secret is your granny panties. I'm selling fresh boxers in the Men's Room. If you see someone sweaty and jittery near the wave x-ray scanners, they are either Holy militants or wearing holie drawers. If you happen to be an out of work pervert, well Christmas isn't over yet. Update the resume, go to CareerBuilder and type in TSA Agent. You might just find a listing that says, "Seeking a qualified, hard working, goal-oriented person who is skilled in finding pentaerythritol tetranitrate in people's underbrithces." I may be able to retire early, because I believe my dog may be the world's foremost authority on crotch sniffing. If these are the new job skills of the 20-teens, no wonder the unemployment rate is at 10%.

With words like Abdulmatallab, bomb, TSA and pentaerythritol tetranitrate all in one blog, I am sure that I am no longer able to fly within the U.S. borders, so let this serve as a warning to all of you who plan to travel in the near future. And to all of the terrorists who subscribe to or read my blog, let's not get any more creative with our bomb placements. I don't want the security lines at the airport to start looking like we're welcoming new inmates to Shawshank.