Todays Specials: 300 LB Calamari

I don't know why those little rubbery Cephalopods the Greeks call Calamari taste so good, but they do. Scientists recently found a 300 pound squid. Doesn't that really mean, fishermen found a 300 pound squid, and somehow scientists heard about it? That's like hitting the "Calamari for Life" jackpot in the lottery. Forget deer hunting season, the freezer is still full of calamari. Somebody check e-bay for 30 gallon tubs of marinara sauce. Can you imagine the conversation after bringing a giant squid to the taxidermist? "Now listen here, I want the basketball sized eyeball facing forward, the tentacles spread out, and try to make him look mean. Junior, put the 8 point buck with the Santa hat in the garage, we got ourselves a Sea Monster." Sorry, I forgot these were scientists, not rednecks fishing off a bridge.

So the scientists discovered that the mighty giant squid has an incredibly tiny brain. Just about 1 ounce to be precise. It is just developed enough to locate food, find a mate, and coordinate its movements. Well hold on just a minute. The human brain is, on average, about 8 pounds. If we can eat, get laid and walk while chewing gum with just one ounce of brainpower, what are we doing with the other 7 lbs. 15 oz? I've got a medulla oblongata to donate to science, so they can figure out what's up with all the wasted brain matter. I'm thinking 1 ounce might be the way to go. We're cutting down on concussions and brain freeze. Suddenly I feel lightheaded.

Apparently the Sperm Whale loves to eat squid. I would say they love calamari, but that implies it is cooked and from what I've read I don't think Sperm Whales have that kind of time. At the risk of the Coyne Toss blog really heading into uncharted waters, I have a few things to discuss about the Sperm Whale as well. I mean really, this is the best name we could come up with. Can you imagine if they knew? "So let me get this straight you decided on Killer, Blue, Grey, Humpbacked and then all you could come up with was Sperm." It is the largest of the toothed whales, so why not Big Toothed Whale. Here are some facts about the beloved Sperm Whale. I hope you are sitting down for these gems. Of course, the Sperm Whale is known for it's extremely large head, especially in males. Now get your 8 pound brain out of the gutter, they really mean his head. But for those of you who just can't help yourselves, his blow hole is located just to the left of the front of the head. Go ahead laugh all you want there's more. He spouts 3-5 times per minute, at rest. Now I'm impressed. Of course you are all wondering well what about when he's not at rest? Well the exact terminology I read was that his spouts increase to 6-7 times per minute "after a dive." Who wrote this info, Robin Williams? If that is not enough for you he spouts up to 50 feet, and at a 45 degree angle to the left. Well aren't we precise. Somebody has good aim. I bet the tiny brained squid can't claim those stats. You mean to tell me that no Sperm Whales lean to the right? I find that hard to believe. Where's Captain Ahab when you need him?

So members of the jury the defense rests. The evidence of how Baby Beluga's Uncle came to be known as the Sperm Whale has been laid out before you. Or has it? It turns out that the big fellas name comes from a "liquid-like" substance in the whale called spermicedi, which is a greek term, not to be confused with Spermicide, which is a Trojan term!! No one is really sure what purpose the substance serves, but they do know, and I swear I am not making this up, that it can be found "in the head and in the junk." Now my first inclination was to look up what exactly the "junk" is, but really I'm much happier just laughing about the image in my head. So the bottom line here is that evolution is not complete until we can get a species with a fully functioning 1 ounce brain and spermicedi in its junk.