The world is not prepared to handle the possibility of the US winning a World Cup. I decided the last time the US advanced from pool play in the World Cup that we were walking on a slippery slope. The US has Football, Baseball and Basketball. Soccer is not our game. It is the beautiful game, the game for the rest of the world. Low scoring, slow, methodical is just not our thing. But let's face it Yanks, our team is getting better. This is a very dangerous thing. The US winning the World Cup equals Armageddon. I'm talking scorched Earth. There will be a meeting among nations, to which we will not be invited, and Russia will be convinced to point all of its nukes right at us. This is the last straw, the one thing that the rest of the world can not handle. I'm talking Jihad people. This is the one thing that historians, Nostradamus and the Mayans never considered. Landon Donovan is more of a global threat than Adolph Hitler ever was. This is Swine Flu with a side order of SARS. Get out your Post Rapture Survival Guide. Call Webster, I'm registering Soccerpandemic as a new word. This years equivalent of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, could come on a Clint Dempsey corner kick. If the US makes it out of its Group and wins its first elimination game, start building that bunker in your backyard. Remember one gallon of water per day per person, flashlights and canned Spam. Each day the sun rises over Japan and makes its way across Asia, Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. The one common thread that holds the entire eastern hemisphere together is waking up and saying, "Ahhhh, it's a new day and the USA has still never won the World Cup." Let's not spoil the morning java for 5 billion people. If it ain't broke Oguchi Onyewu, don't fix it.
For those of you who are more "World Cup half full" types, let's look at it another way. You want world peace? Have the US lose in the finals against South Africa on a penalty kick from an Afghan born South African player after a bad call from an Iranian referee. There will be dancing in the streets from Johannesburg, to Kabul, and all the way to Caracas. They will burn US flags on the Gaza strip and praise Allah in Mecca, but the world will be a safer place. Clocks during soccer games will continue to count up, there will be stoppage time, instead of actual stoppage. Men faking injuries will still be carried off the "pitch" on stretchers. Whistles will continue to replace boo's, and prideful people will sing Olay olay olay.....
So if I can't safely root for the US during the World Cup, who shall I root for? Oh screw it!! We threw tea in the Ocean, beat the Redcoats, stormed the beaches of Normandy, told Mr. Gorbachev to "tear down that wall", and stood united when the Twin Towers fell. Give 'em hell boys......USA, USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!
