Good News from Bad Newz Kennels

Well we've now come full circle. Kevin Kolb, the successor at QB to Donovan McNabb in Philadelphia, left the first game of the new NFL season on Sunday with a concussion. His replacement - Michael Vick. That's right, Mr. Bad Newz Kennels himself, back at the helm of an NFL team just three years after his conviction for participating in and financing an interstate dogfighting ring. Although they ultimately lost the game Vick sparked his team to a comeback, to the delight of the not always delightful Philadelphia Eagle fans. Many of these fans are calling for Vick to remain in the starting QB position even when Kolb is healthy enough to play again. If the Eagles win this weekend, although they are playing Detroit, I am sure that there will be a buzz in the air about the return of the great Michael Vick.

Well Jesus would truly be proud of us all. I mean we are quite a forgiving bunch. Is it that we are forgiving, or is it that we are forgetful? I mean time heals all wounds right? Unless, of course you were hung, drown or electrocuted like some of the dogs at Bad Newz Kennels. There's no healing that. So as you are watching the Eagles take on the Detroit Lions this weekend there are a few things I would like to remind all of you. As Vick drops back to pass remember that this is the man who not only financed a dogfighting operation, but admitted in court to participating in the murder of animals. And let's remember that we aren't talking about lethal injection here, we are talking about electrocution, drowning, and shooting. We are talking about rape boards and dogs chained to the axles of cars. One lucky dog was repeatedly slammed against the ground until he finally died. Is it all coming back to you now? I too am guilty. I saw Mike Vick take off down the sidelines Sunday, watching him accelerate noticeably faster than anyone else on the field, and his speed and athleticism had me wanting to root for him. I guess it's human nature.

As humans, we took on a responsibility when we domesticated dogs. Or I guess I should say when we domesticated wolves. When they were wild pack animals they could defend themselves, and feed themselves, and hunt, and mate, and survive. They were independent. Once we made them our companions we made them dependent on us for survival. They didn't ask for it, we chose to domesticate them and we could because we are the "big dogs" on the planet. But once we made them dependent on us, we took on the responsibility of caring for them. Sick psychopathic people like Michael Vick who have no ability to feel compassion and no concern for life take advantage of animals like this. So where is the "Good News" in all of this, as the Blog title suggests. Believe it or not it looks like Michael Vick isn't the only one getting a second chance. Thanks to the efforts of several people and organizations, 47 of the 51 dogs seized from Bad Newz Kennels are going to be saved. There is a new book called The Lost Dogs which chronicles the journey of the 51 dogs after Vick's arrest in 2007. The dog on the cover named Jasmine is now a resident of suburban Baltimore. Her story was first told in an SI article in 2008 which I urge everyone to read. The link to the story is http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/magazine/12/22/vick.dogs/index.html. What stood out the most to me when reading the article was how quickly these dogs, who were abused from birth, began to be socialized again.

So crawl up on your couch this weekend with your dog, turn on the Eagles game and cheer for the Detroit Lions like you grew up in Motown.

Is Your World Cup Half Full or Half Empty?

The world is not prepared to handle the possibility of the US winning a World Cup. I decided the last time the US advanced from pool play in the World Cup that we were walking on a slippery slope. The US has Football, Baseball and Basketball. Soccer is not our game. It is the beautiful game, the game for the rest of the world. Low scoring, slow, methodical is just not our thing. But let's face it Yanks, our team is getting better. This is a very dangerous thing. The US winning the World Cup equals Armageddon. I'm talking scorched Earth. There will be a meeting among nations, to which we will not be invited, and Russia will be convinced to point all of its nukes right at us. This is the last straw, the one thing that the rest of the world can not handle. I'm talking Jihad people. This is the one thing that historians, Nostradamus and the Mayans never considered. Landon Donovan is more of a global threat than Adolph Hitler ever was. This is Swine Flu with a side order of SARS. Get out your Post Rapture Survival Guide. Call Webster, I'm registering Soccerpandemic as a new word. This years equivalent of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, could come on a Clint Dempsey corner kick. If the US makes it out of its Group and wins its first elimination game, start building that bunker in your backyard. Remember one gallon of water per day per person, flashlights and canned Spam. Each day the sun rises over Japan and makes its way across Asia, Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. The one common thread that holds the entire eastern hemisphere together is waking up and saying, "Ahhhh, it's a new day and the USA has still never won the World Cup." Let's not spoil the morning java for 5 billion people. If it ain't broke Oguchi Onyewu, don't fix it.

For those of you who are more "World Cup half full" types, let's look at it another way. You want world peace? Have the US lose in the finals against South Africa on a penalty kick from an Afghan born South African player after a bad call from an Iranian referee. There will be dancing in the streets from Johannesburg, to Kabul, and all the way to Caracas. They will burn US flags on the Gaza strip and praise Allah in Mecca, but the world will be a safer place. Clocks during soccer games will continue to count up, there will be stoppage time, instead of actual stoppage. Men faking injuries will still be carried off the "pitch" on stretchers. Whistles will continue to replace boo's, and prideful people will sing Olay olay olay.....


So if I can't safely root for the US during the World Cup, who shall I root for? Oh screw it!! We threw tea in the Ocean, beat the Redcoats, stormed the beaches of Normandy, told Mr. Gorbachev to "tear down that wall", and stood united when the Twin Towers fell. Give 'em hell boys......USA, USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

Todays Specials: 300 LB Calamari

I don't know why those little rubbery Cephalopods the Greeks call Calamari taste so good, but they do. Scientists recently found a 300 pound squid. Doesn't that really mean, fishermen found a 300 pound squid, and somehow scientists heard about it? That's like hitting the "Calamari for Life" jackpot in the lottery. Forget deer hunting season, the freezer is still full of calamari. Somebody check e-bay for 30 gallon tubs of marinara sauce. Can you imagine the conversation after bringing a giant squid to the taxidermist? "Now listen here, I want the basketball sized eyeball facing forward, the tentacles spread out, and try to make him look mean. Junior, put the 8 point buck with the Santa hat in the garage, we got ourselves a Sea Monster." Sorry, I forgot these were scientists, not rednecks fishing off a bridge.

So the scientists discovered that the mighty giant squid has an incredibly tiny brain. Just about 1 ounce to be precise. It is just developed enough to locate food, find a mate, and coordinate its movements. Well hold on just a minute. The human brain is, on average, about 8 pounds. If we can eat, get laid and walk while chewing gum with just one ounce of brainpower, what are we doing with the other 7 lbs. 15 oz? I've got a medulla oblongata to donate to science, so they can figure out what's up with all the wasted brain matter. I'm thinking 1 ounce might be the way to go. We're cutting down on concussions and brain freeze. Suddenly I feel lightheaded.

Apparently the Sperm Whale loves to eat squid. I would say they love calamari, but that implies it is cooked and from what I've read I don't think Sperm Whales have that kind of time. At the risk of the Coyne Toss blog really heading into uncharted waters, I have a few things to discuss about the Sperm Whale as well. I mean really, this is the best name we could come up with. Can you imagine if they knew? "So let me get this straight you decided on Killer, Blue, Grey, Humpbacked and then all you could come up with was Sperm." It is the largest of the toothed whales, so why not Big Toothed Whale. Here are some facts about the beloved Sperm Whale. I hope you are sitting down for these gems. Of course, the Sperm Whale is known for it's extremely large head, especially in males. Now get your 8 pound brain out of the gutter, they really mean his head. But for those of you who just can't help yourselves, his blow hole is located just to the left of the front of the head. Go ahead laugh all you want there's more. He spouts 3-5 times per minute, at rest. Now I'm impressed. Of course you are all wondering well what about when he's not at rest? Well the exact terminology I read was that his spouts increase to 6-7 times per minute "after a dive." Who wrote this info, Robin Williams? If that is not enough for you he spouts up to 50 feet, and at a 45 degree angle to the left. Well aren't we precise. Somebody has good aim. I bet the tiny brained squid can't claim those stats. You mean to tell me that no Sperm Whales lean to the right? I find that hard to believe. Where's Captain Ahab when you need him?

So members of the jury the defense rests. The evidence of how Baby Beluga's Uncle came to be known as the Sperm Whale has been laid out before you. Or has it? It turns out that the big fellas name comes from a "liquid-like" substance in the whale called spermicedi, which is a greek term, not to be confused with Spermicide, which is a Trojan term!! No one is really sure what purpose the substance serves, but they do know, and I swear I am not making this up, that it can be found "in the head and in the junk." Now my first inclination was to look up what exactly the "junk" is, but really I'm much happier just laughing about the image in my head. So the bottom line here is that evolution is not complete until we can get a species with a fully functioning 1 ounce brain and spermicedi in its junk.

The Following Post Takes Place Between 12am and 1am.

Jack Bauer is back people!!! Sell that last seat to LAX, Jack has some enriched, weapon-grade Uranium to find. Don't worry Kim, the show is called 24, your Dad will be there tomorrow. I know some people are struggling with Bubba Hastings running CTU, but he is not nearly as annoying as some of the past CTU bosses. However, I really, really want Chloe to ask him how many different kinds of shrimp there are.

While Keifer Sutherland has certainly had his issues over the years, I am becoming increasingly more concerned about Jack Ryan than Jack Bauer. What has happened to our beloved Harrison Ford? He is a shadow of his former self. Like the soldiers who are allegedly still roaming the jungles of Vietnam, unaware that the war is over, I think that Harrison Ford is unaware that the filming of Regarding Henry has ended. Someone call the man and tell him, "It's a wrap." I just want to shake him and have Han Solo come out. Paging Dr. Jones. I want the man who covered his eyes long enough to avoid the curse of the Lost Ark. I want the man who is afraid of snakes, but not Darth Vader. I want Chewbaccas friend. At the Golden Globe Awards the other night, they could have wheeled out the cryogenically frozen Han Solo and no one would have noticed the difference. As Americans we cannot stand for this. What's next, Bruce Willis in a dress? We already had to deal with Dirty Harry starring in the Bridges of Madison County. We can only take so much. Playing Han Solo makes you an American hero. But Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Jack Ryan? That is unprecedented heroism. There are responsibilities that come with that much bravado. We need to get him out of this funk. Maybe he needs to date a girl who doesn't disappear when she turns sideways. Somebody get him his whip and his hat, or get him behind the wheel of the Falcon. We need our reluctant, wisecracking hero back.


Cool fact: Tom Selleck could not rearrange his filming schedule for Magnum PI, so Harrison Ford got the role of Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Stay Classy Indianapolis

There is an article on the IndyStar Newspaper by Bob Kravitz that just blows my mind. Is this really what we are going to talk about before an absolutely huge playoff game this weekend? Here is an excerpt from Bob's article:

First things first:

Around here, they're not the Baltimore Ravens, not anymore. They are "The Professional Football Franchise From Baltimore.'' Or "TPFFFB."
I mention this because, in a shocking lack of professional courtesy and maturity, the Ravens' stadium operations folks refuse to introduce the Indianapolis Colts on game day at M&T Stadium as "the Indianapolis Colts," and on the scoreboard, use "Indy" rather than "Colts."
Apparently, there is no statute of limitations when it comes to pandering to your fan base.
And let's not hear how Baltimore was so noble by leaving the Browns' name and history behind when the franchise fled Cleveland. That was done because in a 1996 agreement, the NFL made Baltimore do it -- not out of the goodness of team owner Art Modell's frozen, little heart.

Well first things first, Bob. I see that you don't let facts stand in the way of writing your articles. There was, in fact, a deal between the league and Art Modell allowing him to move the team, yet keep the team name and colors in Cleveland. However, the league didn't have a leg to stand on and openly admitted that they had no case in court to keep the team from moving. So Art could have dictated any agreement that he wanted. He's a Modell, Bob, not an Irsay. He's a civic minded, kind man, who had flaws in his business that ultimately forced him to move. I'm sure that you know from your days working for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Bob, that the city of Cleveland and Mayor White aren't exactly innocent when it comes to the details behind the move.

Secondly, Bob, why is it that the Indianapolis Colts have been to Baltimore several times since 1996, and I have never heard of this "snub." Bob, we do things right in Baltimore and if we were going to hold a grudge, we would call them the Dolts or the Donkeys on the scoreboard, not Indy. What's wrong with "Indy?" We probably put Pitt on the board when we play the Steelers, and I assure you we could come up with better names for them.

Finally, Bob, is this really what people in Indianapolis are interested in this week? You are going to attack Baltimore for taking a football franchise? The irony is thicker than Peyton Manning's accent. Is it because you don't want to write an article about how the Indianapolis Colts are failures in January? Don't feel like writing about how the Colts put on skirts instead of shoulder pads the last two weeks, and laid down against the Jets and the Bills? Don't want to discuss the Colts 0-3 record coming off of a first round bye? Tired of talking about the Colts letting down the whole league, their own players, and their fans by not attempting to go 16-0?

Just to be fair, the rest of the article does discuss the strength of the Ravens, and how the Colts should be concerned this weekend. But lets face it Bob, the article was a cheap shot. If things go as they usually do this January weekend for the Colts, we will be celebrating in Baltimore, and Peyton and company will be hanging theirs heads yet again in Indy. Sorry Bob, I wasn't pandering to my Blog followers, I meant to say hanging their heads yet again in Indianapolis.

Is It Ironic?

Don't you hate when someone uses the @ symbol for whatever they damn well please. It isn't up to you to decide what the @ symbol stands for, it stands for "at". You can't just go back to the Rosetta Stone and decide that you have a whole different version of what Ptolemy was telling the Egyptians. The @ is a modern hieroglyphic leave it alone. You don't want some alien race coming along years after we are gone and saying, "I don't know what these humans were trying to say, there is no consistency to this @ symbol." So for all of you who use the @ for "and" or "about" just stop it. Your actions have consequences. I don't tell people to e-mail me at david"about"verizon.net. Of course the greater question is why do we have such a need to abbreviate a two letter word? Was the T too much for you? Arthritis setting in now? Sorry to bother you all with the T, instead just loop around your A, and from here on out, we'll all know what you meant. Imagine once you use @, how overwhelming the word "the" must seem. The next time you tell someone to meet you @ Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, Massachussetts, I bet you will feel rather childish abbreviating the dreaded "at." (look it up by the way, it's real)

So where is the irony in all of this? Well as much as the @ aggravates me, I find it ironic that people constantly misuse the concept of irony. Are you listening Miss Morissette, because I am pretty sure that irony is the same in the USA as it is in Canada, eh. Rain on your wedding day is infuriating, NOT ironic. A free ride when you already paid is wierd, NOT ironic. The good advice that you just didn't take would be fantastic if you knew Bernie Madoff, but NOT ironic. A more appropriate title for the song would be "Isn't It Annoying." Don't you think......yeah, I really do think!! Of course, I am not going to tell Alanis. Have you read the lyrics to "You Oughta Know?" Okay, Alanis you win. Is it ironic that she is kind of cute, yet has more teeth than a T-Rex?

YOU WANT SOME REAL IRONY.......

The Wright Brothers first flight was shorter than the wingspan of a 747.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.





Now sing it with me because having it stuck in your head is, you guessed it IRONIC...

It's like ra-e-ain on your wedding day.
It's a free riiiiiide when you already paid.
It's the good advii-iiice that you just didn't take.
And who would have thought.....it figures.

The Ramifications of Flight 253

Has anyone noticed just how reactionary Homeland Security is when it comes to airport screenings? Richard Reid tried the ole shoe bomb trick, and now we all have to take off our shoes for the TSA. Then in 2006 there was a plot to blow up planes with small amounts of liquid, so now we all leave our water bottles and travel sized mouthwash at the TSA table. Well our latest member of the "Religious Nutjob Club" has taken things to a new level. On Christmas Umar Farouk Abdulmatallab boarded Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit with a bomb strapped to his CROTCH. That's right people, the Frank and Beans have a new neighbor, and it comes with a warning label. BING: Umar Farouk, you are now free to attempt to walk very gingerly throughout the cabin.

It's a whole new ballgame now travelers. Homeland Security is no longer just interested in your shoes. I'm opening a Victoria's Secret in the airport, because you ladies don't want the TSA agent to know that your secret is your granny panties. I'm selling fresh boxers in the Men's Room. If you see someone sweaty and jittery near the wave x-ray scanners, they are either Holy militants or wearing holie drawers. If you happen to be an out of work pervert, well Christmas isn't over yet. Update the resume, go to CareerBuilder and type in TSA Agent. You might just find a listing that says, "Seeking a qualified, hard working, goal-oriented person who is skilled in finding pentaerythritol tetranitrate in people's underbrithces." I may be able to retire early, because I believe my dog may be the world's foremost authority on crotch sniffing. If these are the new job skills of the 20-teens, no wonder the unemployment rate is at 10%.

With words like Abdulmatallab, bomb, TSA and pentaerythritol tetranitrate all in one blog, I am sure that I am no longer able to fly within the U.S. borders, so let this serve as a warning to all of you who plan to travel in the near future. And to all of the terrorists who subscribe to or read my blog, let's not get any more creative with our bomb placements. I don't want the security lines at the airport to start looking like we're welcoming new inmates to Shawshank.